supervike
10-06-2005, 01:20 PM
I really like the idea of short stories to go with my posted miniatures over on CMoN. Here is a story I want to use for a Heresy mini I'm starting to paint. Would you mind giving me a critique if you have time??
Here is the mini BTW...(this one is not painted by me, just to show you the mini)
http://www.heresyminiatures.com/images/hm001_2.jpg
Roderick waited patiently for the Night Watch Commander to again excuse himself. ‘I’ve got some paper work to do upstairs’ He’d say, but then return several hours later smelling of cheap ale and cheaper perfume. Paper work? Two or three times a week? And with that filthy bordello just down the street. ‘We’ve all got our dirty little secrets, I suppose’ thought Roderick.
Roderick relished the thought of being left alone in charge of the dungeon, and the latest prisoner excited him to no end. He crept to the cell where it was kept and peered through the heavy iron bars. The monstrosity was cowering, its horned head bowed into the corner, facing the wall. Roderick chuckled silently. It has accepted who the boss was after all. Not like last week. Last week in this little training session, the thing bellowed with hate and fear, frothing at the mouth, yanking in vain at the heavy chains that manacled it to the wall.
Roderick liked tormenting this one. It was so much more gratifying than the rabbits he relentlessly tortured to death back in his hovel of a home. This one gave him a true sense of power. He began by throwing a few pebbles at the back of its head. No response. Last time the thing’s rage hurt Roderick’s ears, it was so loud. Hmm. He threw the stones harder. Nothing. ‘Fine, if that is how it is’ he thought and produced a slingshot out of his pocket. He loaded it with a particularly sharp shard of rock. Roderick was deadly with this weapon; he could hit a bird at 30 paces. It was deceivingly powerful too. He killed the Smith’s yapping mutt with a well place shot to its eye. He pulled hard and hit the monsters spine bone. Nothing. Again he tried. Not even a flinch. It had to hurt, he could even see a trickle of blood spilling down its back.
‘Oh no, I hope it aint dead’ He thought aloud. The Baron would be none too happy with a dead prize. He had wanted to show it off, alive, to his Royal friends coming in from the capital. The Baron would blame the Night Watch Commander, and he in turn would blame Roderick. That would hurt Roderick’s chances for promotion. Shit travels downhill, they say.
Roderick jangled his keys nervously and found the right key for the lock. The gate protested loudly as it opened. Roderick drew his sword and stood just outside the reach of the heavy chains. Gingerly, he stretched and poked it’s backside with his sword. No reaction. He jabbed a bit harder; its hide was surprisingly thick. Nothing. He stepped closer and stabbed the tip deeper into the creature back when suddenly there was a frenzy of action. The monster spun around, lighting fast, and grabbed Roderick, sweeping him off the ground. Roderick’s eyes grew wide as he realized it’s chains were snapped. There was a sickening crunch, and Roderick thought it odd that his legs were so far away from his body. His last thought was that this was going to bode badly for his promotion chance, then the darkness took him.
What do you think?
Here is the mini BTW...(this one is not painted by me, just to show you the mini)
http://www.heresyminiatures.com/images/hm001_2.jpg
Roderick waited patiently for the Night Watch Commander to again excuse himself. ‘I’ve got some paper work to do upstairs’ He’d say, but then return several hours later smelling of cheap ale and cheaper perfume. Paper work? Two or three times a week? And with that filthy bordello just down the street. ‘We’ve all got our dirty little secrets, I suppose’ thought Roderick.
Roderick relished the thought of being left alone in charge of the dungeon, and the latest prisoner excited him to no end. He crept to the cell where it was kept and peered through the heavy iron bars. The monstrosity was cowering, its horned head bowed into the corner, facing the wall. Roderick chuckled silently. It has accepted who the boss was after all. Not like last week. Last week in this little training session, the thing bellowed with hate and fear, frothing at the mouth, yanking in vain at the heavy chains that manacled it to the wall.
Roderick liked tormenting this one. It was so much more gratifying than the rabbits he relentlessly tortured to death back in his hovel of a home. This one gave him a true sense of power. He began by throwing a few pebbles at the back of its head. No response. Last time the thing’s rage hurt Roderick’s ears, it was so loud. Hmm. He threw the stones harder. Nothing. ‘Fine, if that is how it is’ he thought and produced a slingshot out of his pocket. He loaded it with a particularly sharp shard of rock. Roderick was deadly with this weapon; he could hit a bird at 30 paces. It was deceivingly powerful too. He killed the Smith’s yapping mutt with a well place shot to its eye. He pulled hard and hit the monsters spine bone. Nothing. Again he tried. Not even a flinch. It had to hurt, he could even see a trickle of blood spilling down its back.
‘Oh no, I hope it aint dead’ He thought aloud. The Baron would be none too happy with a dead prize. He had wanted to show it off, alive, to his Royal friends coming in from the capital. The Baron would blame the Night Watch Commander, and he in turn would blame Roderick. That would hurt Roderick’s chances for promotion. Shit travels downhill, they say.
Roderick jangled his keys nervously and found the right key for the lock. The gate protested loudly as it opened. Roderick drew his sword and stood just outside the reach of the heavy chains. Gingerly, he stretched and poked it’s backside with his sword. No reaction. He jabbed a bit harder; its hide was surprisingly thick. Nothing. He stepped closer and stabbed the tip deeper into the creature back when suddenly there was a frenzy of action. The monster spun around, lighting fast, and grabbed Roderick, sweeping him off the ground. Roderick’s eyes grew wide as he realized it’s chains were snapped. There was a sickening crunch, and Roderick thought it odd that his legs were so far away from his body. His last thought was that this was going to bode badly for his promotion chance, then the darkness took him.
What do you think?